Random Thoughts....

So I have many things on my mind tonight and rather than compile them into one profound post, I decided to just sort of make a list of random thoughts. So here goes:

*Yesterday I made an amazing dinner of chicken pot pie, like the homemade kind where you boil the chicken and make the crust from scratch. To go with it, I made homemade rolls, and bread. It was awesome, both to eat and for my mental health. I decided that I need to do more baking/cooking, it makes me feel good. I was reminded of a Patty Griffin song, Making Pies, where sometimes all you can do is the day to day stuff, and just keep moving on. It was very cathartic.
*Today I saw two movies, one at the theatre with my MIL, 27 Dresses, I recommend it for a fun chick flick kind of day. Then I rented, The Nanny Diaries, another chick flick. I had really low expectations of that one, because I had read the book, but it wasn't too bad.
*I also have of course been spending way to much time on the computer as usual for me. I have a "Facebook" account now, as does my husband. It really is more of an educational thing for me, as I have a budding teenager, who really wants a Myspace page, which I have also. I have several nieces and nephews that have one or both of these accounts. It is amazing to read what they are writing and doing with these things. I wonder what forms of communication will be the new thing when my youngest is a teenager. I can't imagine making weekend plans based on a website. When I was in college, if there was a party at the park, there would be handmade signs posted everywhere. Everyone was invited, there wasn't a who's invited and who didn't make the cut. I also wonder if some of the stuff they are saying on these sites are things they would say to one another face to face. I know in my own little head very few people read what I write on this site or any other place I write. These kids, though, are experiencing conflict and whether or not they resolve it is unknown to me, as I am only reading one side of the conversation. It sort of scares me to think that my daughter someday soon will have people calling a f**ing b**ch, on a web space for all to see. How bout sitting down and discussing things in a more private way. Now I'm sure having said this for all public to see, my nieces and nephews are going to block me from their pages, so I can't see what's going on, but hopefully I'll still have the privilege of seeing this inner workings of teenage life. I feel better prepared for what's to come with this knowledge.
*I am feeling much better, maybe I am over this horrid sickness, that has plagued me for 2 weeks now. Thanks for all your concern.
*As a result of my husband working the night shift I've started writing totally random stuff out of sheer boredom. Because I know all of you are dying to know the inner workings of my brain.

Two out of three, not bad.....

So I've decided to lower my expectations of getting pictures of my kids cooperating. I took this one real quick the other day, after getting my new lens. Just like my Christmas card, there's always one kid not looking at the camera. But I like the emotion in this shot for sure, so overall it's not bad. Maybe when I get over this constant state of sickness that I seem to be in, I will have the effort to try and get some more shots with the new lens.

Still Sick......

So I know your not going to believe this, but I am still sick. Not only do I still have the cough, sore throat, head cold thing, you can now add stomach bug to the mix. Yes it's hard to believe that one human could withstand so much sickness and still manage to write, but I am in fact that sick. I write this from my bed, which is just a couple of steps away from my bathroom, which I cannot venture more than a couple of feet from. I have thrown up, I have done things you really don't even want to know about. It is awful, and for those of you who know me, know that I would rather be lying dead on the side of the road than throwing up, but it happened and I have survived so far. Now if I'm not better by morning, that might be a different post all together. So anyway, just thought I'd give you a little update, since I was so whiny with the first portion of this illness. Hopefully the next time I write, it will be in good health.

A different take on depression....

I have suffered from depression/anxiety really for about the past three years. It started with post-partum depression when my youngest was born and really I don't think it went away. The last year and a half, though, has been pretty rough for me. I've had a lot of change go on in my life and I haven't handled it very well, in fact for almost a year now I've been taking medicine to control it. I was very hesitant to go on medication for it, I'm not sure why, maybe I felt it would show a sign of weakness. Anyway, I still have this goal to be able to go off of it eventually, I'm just not a huge fan of medicine. So I was reading one of my favorite blogs the other day and came across a link to this magazine. The article is so worth the read, it has a totally different outlook on our "dark emotions", and I think for the most part I agree with it. I am much more hopeful after reading the article that I am in fact going to be able to go off the medicine I'm on eventually, and just work through my emotions naturally. I agree that we as a country are very much over medicated and live in this comfortable society, where pain or discomfort at any level is viewed as something we need to fix. This is the quote that caught my attention and made me read the whole article.

“When we don’t turn away from pain, we open our hearts and are more able to connect to the best part of ourselves and others–because every human being knows pain. I’m not sure what enlightenment is, but I’m sure it has something to do with turning pain into love.”
–Myriam Greenspan, from “On Moving from Grief to Gratitude”

It really coincides with this book I'm reading right now, called Sacred Marriage, by Gary Thomas the book is fantastic and I recommend everyone read it. The subtitle is "What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?" It has really changed the way I think about life in general, not just marriage, it's an amazing book and you don't have to be married to read it in fact if your thinking about marriage I recommend it. So many of us go into marriage with this fairytale picture of how life is going to be and those of us that are married know that is just not the case. There will always be hard times, this book helps you look at how that can bring you closer to God, and as a result strengthen your marriage.

Smells good............

Isn't it amazing the power of scent. How a smell can take you back to a moment in time, something you can't forget ever good or bad. I have an incredibly sensitive nose, I can smell things that most others can't. In fact when I was pregnant with Maddison, my mom had to move all the plants out of her house because I could smell the dirt. So while I think most people have this phenomenon, I think I am more prone to smells sparking memories. For example the towels in my mom's kitchen instantly takes me back to my grandma's house. I think because they always smell like homemade bread and while I don't actually remember my grandma making bread, her house always smelled that way. I'm sure someday when my mom is gone, I'll think of her as well when I smell that wonderful smell of homemade bread. Even bad smells, like today Andrew was starting a fire in the fireplace and it wouldn't go, so it had that bad burning smell and I thought of my brother's house burning down. But there are so many other things, the smell of Baby Magic lotion will always remind me of my babies, and there is nothing better than the smell of a newborn baby. There is a certain perfume that will always remind me of my sister, she used to wear Polo Ralph Lauren, and every time I smell it I think of her. There are other perfumes/colognes that spark memories, too. Cool Water will always remind me of my 7th grade boyfriend, Abercrombie & Fitch will always remind me of when Andrew and I started dating, although they don't make the exact kind anymore, which stinks. Anyway, we cleaned house today and Andrew mopped the floor, so the house smells so clean and it just got me to thinking of how strongly scent is linked to memories. I wonder what scent will remind my kids of me when I'm old. What's your favorite smells that bring back memories.

Stuck

Do you ever just feel stuck? I get that way often, stuck in the same emotion, cooking, reading, writing, whatever it might be, just stuck. I can't stop thinking of the same thing and it drives me crazy. This song that's playing reminds me of it even more, so I thought it fitting to put it up for a couple days. Like being stuck on a verse, I'm stuck in a kind of limbo in life. I've had a lot of changes going on in my life, both mentally and physically and it has just put me into this kind of rut. This limbo of indecision. I feel like I've lost all ability to make decisions, because they might actually be the wrong ones, which by the way, I've made a few of those. I have a big decision coming up soon and the threat of making the right choice is weighing me down. I won't go into it here, but when I decide, you'll be the first to know.

A fun little quiz to cure boredom

So I took this quiz today called "Who's your inner rock chic", it was fun and easy here's what mine said:

***You Are Ani Difranco!***
Honest, real, and well liked.You're not limited by any boundaries."And you can call me crazyBut I think you're as lazy as white paint on the wall"

So you can get to the site here. Let me know who your most like, it takes like a minute to complete and it's kind of fun.

A couple more with the new lens...

Here are a couple more with the new lens, just snapshots really, but this thing is amazing. I will really put it to use next week after I get the boys hair cut, they are looking a little ragedy right now. Add that with their cooperation level, and I just don't get quality shots of my kids. So here are a couple more, but certainly nothing special. If you look close enough in Ben's eye, not only can you see the window, but the trees outside. This lens is amazing and I'm excited to see all it can do.

A New Lens, Means Lots of Beautiful Pictures

So I finally broke down and bought the Canon 85mm 1.8 lens for my camera. I had read so many good things about it and just decided to go for it. Man am I glad I did, I haven't even really tried it out to its full potential, but the snapshots I got of my friends kid are amazing. This lens is sharp and I can't wait to go outside with it. I barely did anything to these, just a little sharpening action and my watermark. Very cool!

A Little Emily Dickenson

I love Emily Dickenson and was flipping through one of my collections and found this poem. So I share it with you:

The Mystery of Pain
Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there were
A day when it was not.

It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.


It's one of my favorites, and kind of goes along with my previous post.:)

Sicky, Sicky........

So I don't want to be a whiner, but I fear that's what you'll take from this post. Let me preference this with great stories from my past. Once when Jack was about 1 the whole family got the stomach flu at Christmas time, Andrew laid in bed all day, only getting up to puke. I on the other hand had to put the baby gate up, to keep Jack contained in his room whilst I ran to the bathroom to puke, only to go back and nurse and or change poopy diapers. So I'm just saying I'm no pansy when it comes to sickness. I have handled most things that come my way and just push through, continuing on my daily routine, cause that's what mom's do. Well last week Andrew got this cold, no big deal, he mentioned his throat hurt once. I think he complained about being cold a couple times, but overall, continued on with the daily grind. He didn't miss work or lay around all day, so I figure, it must not be that bad. WELL, this week, I have it. I started getting a sore throat around Tues., and I thought, huh, I must be getting what Andrew had. It sucks, and if there were any way for me to possibly lay around in bed all day, I would. I have chills and aches and the WORST sore throat I've had in my life. It almost brings tears to my eyes. I can't swallow, it hurts to talk, cold and hot things hurt, it just sucks, BIG TIME!!! Andrew's laughing at me tonight, because he says "your just mad, cause I handled it better than you", and while that might be partly true, there's no way his throat hurt this bad. Sooo that was my big whiney story, but I felt I just had to get it off my chest.

Today has been a good day....

Some days just seem to flow better than others. Today has been one of those days. We started the day after taking the kids to school, having coffee at our local coffee shop, enjoying the regulars, which I guess that includes us. It's great just hanging out with my husband, and quite frankly I could get used to this night schedule. Although, there are some definite drawbacks, which we won't get into here, but I'm sure I'll be glad to have him back in the evenings. It is nice to be able to run errands together, though. So we looked at new cell phones today, and that always makes me happy, the prospect of something new, went to the gun store to get stuff for Andrew's new gun, and then stopped off for some groceries. This is huge, these are things we rarely ever did together because of a traditional work schedule.
My day has also been good for many other reasons. Mostly just because of sheer busyness, I've had things to do to take my mind off the hard stuff. I write this knowing that some of you are reading this thinking, "huh, what hard stuff", well until recently quite frankly I've felt like I keep this blog for myself. I would rarely get comments and really just thought nobody read it. Well in the past couple weeks, not only have I been writing more, people have been commenting more. Not just on the blog either, I had someone come up to me and church on Sunday and make a comment, I won't name any names, but it begins with a B, you know who you are. Anyway, having this knowledge that people are actually reading what I write, is both scary and good at the same time. For one, it just makes me think a little more about what I put down, but it also makes me a little guarded in what I write. Is what I write going to directly effect anyone in particular, should I have said that, it's all these fears of what other people think that made me turn to a blog in the first place. I figured, "hey, no ones going to read this thing, and it's a little more fun than writing in a journal". The thing is, I can't let fear guide my writings, or my life for that matter. A wise friend once told me that I need to write, where ever, whatever, without judgement. If that is on a blog or in a journal, I need to be able to write not only without judging myself, but without the fear of others judging me. So from here on out I am going to write, whatever I feel like. If it offends someone, then by all means let me know and I'm sorry in advance. If what I write worries you, well know that this is a place of solace for me, it's where I can vent and not worry about hurting any one's feelings. I am writing for myself, because I have to, because it's like air to me and without it I would drown.

Friends

It's so nice having friends with beautiful kids. I get to practice on them even when were just hanging out. This little girl is so beautiful, but I have yet to get her picture when she smiles. Don't get me wrong, she smiles a lot, I just never catch them. So here's another serious shot of Miss E., which do you prefer, color or black and white?

Change

So we are in the fourth week of Andrew's recent career change. He is loving life as a police officer, has already in his short time with the force dealt with a dead body and several arrests and car wrecks. Ah the joy of serving and protecting. Seriously, though, he loves it and is doing great. The real challenge has been adjusting to his new schedule. He started on days which was a nice change having him home every night for dinner, as apposed to the school schedule of him coming home at different times every night. This week, though, he started nights, going in after the kids go to bed and coming home when they wake up. It has been an adjustment to say the least. I thought the hardest part would be being at home alone during the night, which don't get me wrong, I hate, but actually I think it's harder to get used to him being home all day. He comes home, eats and we take the kids to school. He takes a different route, which my youngest quickly points out. We are the first ones to get to school, because he is notoriously early. Then we hang out and try to find stuff to do before he goes to bed for a while. As I said, this is his first week, and we are still figuring it all out. I'm sure his sleep schedule will change, as will our life schedule, but right now we are just trying to enjoy our time together and find some sort of normalcy in our routine. Change is a crazy thing, some people thrive on it, move from house to house, job to job, and have no problems adjusting. I however am not one of those, and every little change in our schedule, routine, well really life, has a major effect on me. I am learning to adjust and trying to become a better person for it, because as we all know life is change, and nothing ever stays the same. I'm including a pic of Andrew's graduation, however it's by far the worst pic on my blog. Someone else took the picture and clearly didn't know how to use the camera, so forgive me.

Breath

Sometimes in life things get broken and we don't know how to fix them. People say, "God knows what is best and we will know through him". However, like Bruce, in Bruce Almighty, we look past the signs when they are right in front of us. We don't listen to God and we don't see the signs. It's hard to know what to do when we are struggling so we breath, and we take each day at a time. Sometimes in life that is all we can do. Live each day and hope we make it through it. Everyone has drama in their life, everyone has pain. Some are bigger than others, people lose family members at the worst time, and I think how can my struggles even compare to theirs. Each person's reality is their own, though, and when your in it sometimes your reality just sucks and you feel there is no way out. So I will breath, and I will live each day, and I will survive.